Letting Go

Why is it that we as humans have such a hard time letting go? Why is it that we hold on to things with such force that we can't even see how they are hurting us? Today I have been talking to two of my good friends who are having immense problems with this concept. One is dealing with a friendship that needs to be changed or dissolved altogether while the other is newly married and and her husband can't let go of his parents - almost to the point where it is hurting their marriage. I have countless other friends dealing with this as we approach graduation. And the reason we all have trouble letting go is fear.

Fear controls so much of our lives. It causes us to pass us opportunities. It causes us to hold back from things we really want. It causes us remain in situations that are hurtful because we can't imagine our lives with out them. And it causes us to lose sight of what is really important. I am a pretty fearful person. After the Wedgwood Baptist Church shooting, fear became integrated into my very being. I am constantly surveying the people around me, especially in large crowds, convinced that something bad is about to happen. I worry about things I shouldn't worry about (Katie knows what I'm talking about!). But the one thing that helps me keep my fear at bay, and really probably keeps me from entering into some form of social anxiety disorder for that matter, is knowing that God is here for me and is in control. I had to do an interview with my parents for my Family Relations class, and when asked to give some advice to young couples, my mom said, "Put God in the center always. Don't try to handle everything yourself before you let Him handle it." And what struck me the most was what she said after a short pause - "The sooner you figure that out, the better off you'll be." I don't know about you, but I'm ready to figure that out. I have been there once, where nothing could phase me because I was completely reliant on God. I'm not quite there right now, but I'm on my way back. And I can't wait to get there, because I know from experience, letting go feels so good.

Proverbs 3:5-6 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight."

Blog-crush

Throughout college, I have been introduced to the concept of different crushes besides "I like you" crushes. Basically, anyone you admire in a specific way can cause a situational crush. So I would like to start a new term: Blog-Crush. And I definitely have blog crush on Ryan Inlow.

I'm pretty sure that all 3 of the readers of my blog that I know about are already fans of his blog, but I would just like to take a day to point out how much of a blogging genius he is! I cannot list one post on his site that I haven't loved reading - even the one about the international scout that he claims is only interesting to himself and Maggie. Because even things that aren't necessarily interesting become interesting when Ryan talks about them. Unlike myself who has a topic that is potentially very interesting but comes out as a jumbled mess when I try to type it. Ryan's blog is so good that I can even keep time by it! Last week, I was on the internet reading blogs when I came upon Ryan's "This is What I Clicked" post for the week. All day I had thought it was Wednesday, but since I know that Wednesday is Devo post and Thursday is What I Clicked post day, I got my schedule straight. It makes me happy that he always posts great pictures and has great anecdotes about what is going on in his family. So to sum it all up, here's to you, Ryan Inlow. Your blogging is definitely something to be achieved by others and therefore merits the amazing blog-crush I currently have. I wish my blog was good like yours.

Hit List

I am an avid reader of Entertainment Weekly. Most of the people who read this are not, so I have decided to start posting the "Hit List" each week that starts off the magazine. I haven't gotten this week's EW yet, so to start it off, I will begin with one of my favorites - the week before the Super Bowl this year. Here it goes:

1. Greek lawyers mad over bisexuality in Alexander. Where were these lawyers when My Big Fat Greek Life was on the air? Now there's a protest we could've gotten behind.

2. Vanilla Ice's escaped goat and wallaroo detained after scratching woman and denting car. See, I told you he was cooler than Hammer.

3. "Like a Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan named the greatest song of all time by Rolling Stone. Fine, but isn't this a bit like Entertainment Weekly naming "That's Entertainment" as most entertaining song ever?

4. Elton John calls George W. Bush "The worst thing that has ever happened to America." Apparently, he's forgotten all about "The Macarena" and Shasta McNasty.

5. Paul McCartney to perform at Super Bowl. I think the most scandalous thing he could do is not play "Let It Be."

6. AFI to air special on the 100 Best Movie Quotes. I'd like to nominate Rod Roddy Piper for his line in They Live where he says, "I have come to kick a** and chew bubble gum...and I'm all out of bubble gum." But that's probably just because I like to nominate anyone sporting a kilt.

7. Fake story printed about R. Kelly hitting on Ashanti's underage sister. Now what could possibly make people believe an article like that?

8. Seinfeld puffy shirt donated to Smithsonian. Man, if they're still accepting, I've got shirts much uglier than that.

9. New study reveals that eating apples is good for you. Meanwhile, in an unrelated yet equally revealing report, it was found that water makes you wet.

10. Mel Gibson won't buy Oscar ads for Passion. Are you listening, Surviving Christmas?


Well, that is this weeks episode of The Hit List. I will return tomorrow with thought provoking and hopefully entertaining observations about life. I'm sure you can't wait.

Moving On

Last night was my last night as an active Kojie. We had senior goodbyes, where sophomores and juniors say nice things about us, give us a gift, and then we do the Kojie Stomp for the last time (until weddings at least). It is really emotional and always very special. All of these senior rituals that I have been taking part in recently have caused me to think about changing phases in life.

I'm really not sad about leaving ACU. I wasn't sad about leaving High School and I don't think I'll be sad when I finish grad school. I am definitely in the minority. Its just that when things end, I'm ready. No matter how long a vacation is, by the last 2 days, I'm ready to go home. I was fine during my 4 years here, but now in the last 2 weeks, I'm dying to leave. I know that there are going to be people here that I will miss, but the truth is, the ones that I am close to, I will keep in touch with. Acquaintances, although they are great, can change from place to place and I will survive.

I think the main reason that I am never sad to move on is because I am very blessed to have a group of best friends that have been there since I was a child. We still talk and hang out all the time and are very involved in each others lives. And I am pretty sure that no matter where we all go, we will always have each other. 2 have been added to "the group" because of marriage and I am honored to be able to call Ryan and Stephen my friends. Its at the point to where I forget they haven't been around since we were little. I guess 3 1/2 have really been added when you count Maisy and Baby #2. I only hope that the person I marry will fit in with this group so we can be like our parents. This is probably not the best thing, but every time I like a guy or date a guy, I try to picture if he would be friends with Ryan, Stephen, and Trey so we could all still hang out. And of course, Katie, Maggie, and Lindsey have kept me sane during my life time...or on occasion made me a little more insane when I needed to loosen up. I honestly don't think that I could ever find better friends than these people. If you could see me right now, you would know how important they are to me because one paragraph after talking about how I never cry and one night after not crying when EVERYONE else was, I am starting to cry just thinking about how special my friends are. Now I am just plain rambling so I am going to end this post, but I love you all so much and can't imagine my life with out you.

AHHHHHHH!!!

Remember the day in FW when no ones cell phone would work and we couldn't get ahold of anyone? Well it is happening here today in Abilene. It is AWFUL!!! My cell phone won't call anyone!!!

Life is weird.

I have always said that the most awkward feeling is seeing someone you used to be good friends with, but haven't talked to in a long time so your conversation is very superficial and surface-level. For example, you see an old friend in the mall over Christmas whose house you used to hang out at all the time, but now you are reduced to, "So, are you excited about graduation? How's club? Is Sing Song going to be good?"

I discovered today that there is only one thing more awkward than the situation mentioned - spending time with an ex-boyfriend that has now been reduced to the same level of superficial-ness. Today was COBA Senior Blessing, a day when the professors take all of the seniors to a retreat center in Merkel, TX and have a last-ditch effort to impart some wisdom on us and hang out with us and then give us a blessing at the end of the day. It was really great except that Chase was there. At first, I was really excited to see him, we haven't really talked much in the past couple of years and I was looking forward to possibly catching up. Yes, I am that naive. It was even neat when he got up to read a scripture and I noticed he was using the Bible I bought him for his 18th birthday. But when I finally got a chance to talk to him, we had nothing to say. It was an awful feeling standing next to someone that used to be such an integral part of my life for quite a significant amount of time, but yet, feeling like he was a total stranger. I wish it wasn't like that, but I guess that is just how things happen. I now understand why some people make such pain-staking efforts to avoid their exes when in familiar places (you know who you are!). Maybe I should just do the same.

You're a Winner at the Winstar!

Yesterday, Nichole and I took a road trip to Oklahoma to go to the Winstar Casino with her mom. And it was totally worth it.

In September after Maisy's 1st birthday party, Katie, Stephen, Lindsey, Trey, and I decided to make an impromptu stop at the Winstar. It was fun, but we lost all our money pretty quickly and only stayed about an hour, (and Lindsey won $50, if I don't put that, I'll get berated in my comments...) so I was pretty skeptical about spending a whole day there. But believe it or not, it is actually possible to stay around 4 hours and not go completely broke! We played all kinds of machines that have different bonus games and it was really fun. I came out around $10 under what I started with (and that was with winning $70 at the last minute). I now know which games I like the best and which ones are not so much fun for me. There was one game that had 6 rows across and you bet all these weird lines, but it was fabulous! I didn't do well with it, but one lady that we were with won about $400 on it. It was nuts! It really made me want to go to Vegas and play the real games like craps and blackjack (mainly craps), but Winstar is a good Vegas substitute. I propose a summer roadtrip to either Vegas or Shreveport, and Lindsey can join us from Abilene. Any takers?

Happy Alias Day! (Part 2)

Last week after Alias, my roommates and I were commenting about how it was possibly the best episode ever. So our friend, Ryan, asked us what had happened. Upon telling him what had occured in the episode, we realized how absurd a synopsis must sound to anyone who doesn't regularly watch the show, and it made us laugh. So in honor of Alias Day, I give you our synopsis of last weeks episode:

"So first, Sydney pretended to be a flaminco dancer in Cuba to get a guy to tell her where a disk was that told where the next terrorist attack would be. The guy told her it was in a locker and Dixon went and got it. On the way back to the airport to leave Cuba, Sydney and Vaughn talked about going dancing, but then the bad guys shot her cab driver and kidnapped her. Then the hard drive exploded inside of APO (the division of the CIA they work for) and it had a bio-weapon in it! Everyone ended up being okay because they sucked the stuff out through a vent and injected themselves with an anitodote, but they had the building in lockdown. But Marshall was late because his son was sick, so he couldn't get in. Then they called Sydney and she was in a coffin buried alive! Since they were in lockdown, no one could go but Marshall. So he went to Cuba and tore apart a radio to make a thing that could track her through her cell phone signal, but right when he got to the graveyard, her phone died. So they re-routed the satellite to Cuba and turned it to track body heat and he found her and gave her CPR to save her.

But they couldn't go home yet! They had to go to Germany to find the bad guy and get the real hard drive so that they could stop the attack. But the bad guy knew who Sydney was, so Marshall had to go in and get info from his harddrive through a cigarette case. While he was in the bad guy's office talking to him, he accidentally killed the bad guy with his cell phone..."

Ryan interrupts: "What? He hit him in the head with the cell phone?"

Me: "NO! There was a gun IN the cell phone!"

Ryan: "Oh, right, silly me..."

Me: "ANYWAYS...they needed the bad guy's eyes to do a retinal scan to get the encryption code off the server, so Marshall cut out his eye with a letter opener and a spork. Then they took it downstairs and got everything they needed to save Hong Kong because thats where the next attack was going to be. Then they went home and Dixon was okay and Sydney and Vaughn danced in the train station. Best episode ever!"

What TV shows do you watch that sound completely insane and stupid when explained, but are awesome when you watch them? (I know at least one of Lindsey's!)

Who's Playhouse??

So, Katie's 80's-90's post started me thinking about the television shows of my childhood. I am a huge fan of 80's childrens shows, as evidenced by my "Theme from Fraggle Rock" ringtone that rings every time someone calls my cell phone. But as much as I love my Fraggle Rock, nothing can come close to my all-time childhood favorite, Pee Wees Playhouse.

Pee Wee's Playhouse was the best show ever. His furniture talked, random houseguests stopped by unexpectedly, and he could be transported into a computer to "connect the dots, la la la la...." Who else had a blue genie that would grant a wish every day? If they put it on DVD, I would totally buy it. Or at least rent it every now and then. And now, my dear friend Stephen McBroom has started a blog that he thinks deserves to bear a variation of the Pee Wee's Playhouse name. Now, he does deserve props for putting the entire theme song in the description of his blog, but I seriously doubt he can ever live up to the cleverness that thought of the "Secret Word". However, I will enjoy seeing his pathetic attempt at living up to the wonderfulness that is Pee Wee's Playhouse.

Edited to add: I just discovered that they DO sell Pee Wee's Playhouse on DVD. Guess its time to update my netflix membership!

Quote Board

My roommates and I have a quote board in our kitchen where we write humorous and/or profound comments that come about in our everyday lives. I have decided to spread the joy and post a few of our quotes on days when I don't really have anything good to say. Here are some actual statements made by people in my apartment.

• "I wonder what it would be like to be a freshman in college dating an 8th grader?" - Lindsay about the age difference between her and her boyfriend
• "I lost my Thoroughly Modern Millie CD and I'm THOROUGHLY upset" - Emily
• "I'm not saying you had knowledge of him being the departmental doorknob..." - Joel (Deborah's boyfriend) about Lindsay liking a theatre major who has dated nearly everyone in the department
• "I don't want to be too accessible. Like, I don't want to be everywhere he is, but I do! I want to be EVERYWHERE HE IS!" - Lindsay about a guy she likes (yes, the departmental doorknob...)
• "They should make a sequel!" - Deb about 8 Mile
• "I'm sorry, but midgets do not represent America!" - Linds about American Idol auditions
• Linds: "They don't know I'm not pregnant."
  Emily: "Except that you're buying tampons..." (about Lindsay parking in the pregnant mom spot at United Grocery Store)
• "Just to let you know, I will not be yelling anything today" - Emily to the crazy Build-A-Bear guy

Okay, I know most of these aren't funny to anyone but us, but hey, what are you going to do? I had nothing to say today.

Ben Update

Wow, its been a whole week since I've written anything. To update those of you who haven't asked in person, Ben is doing well. He was put in ICU on Saturday and then let out on Monday and he went home on Wednesday. They're going to do tests in about a week to figure out what is going on with him. Thank you for all of the prayers lifted up for him and all of the comments made to me asking how he is. It really means a lot to me.